A new monastic novice looks at: ... asceticism

...and she's not sure she likes it :-/

A while ago I noticed that in all the ways that the old Celtic and Saxon Saints of Northumbria were influencing me, one way that I wasn't interested in following was their asceticism.  Not for me, Cuthbert's praying in cold water, and some of the way out places that they went to in order to be alone with God and some of the spiritual disciplines that they used to mortify their bodies...

no, not for me

and yet, something kept nagging away at me, what were they up to? Were they in some sort of error thinking that the body was wrong, a danger or anti the spirit?  I don't think so.  There was something else going on and I felt that there were some lessons for me somewhere.

so, of course, I avoided the issue 'cos I wasn't at all sure that I wanted to learn those sorts of lessons!

Last autumn I moved my TV out of my lounge into the conservatory.  I enjoyed the freedom from watching endless, mindless programmes.  But recently I noticed that, possibly with the warmer weather, I was again watching TV.  I seem to have no control of myself on this, I'd sit down in the evening, tired and sit and watch stuff that I didn't want to see, just semi-comatose. I hated it. So, last weekend I unplugged the wretched thing and took it out to the garage.  It's Friday now and I've missed Gardeners' World.   I like Gardeners' World and I don't think that it was an unhealthy programme to watch and I missed it today.. tomorrow I'll miss Dr Who... I like Dr Who...

I also like biscuits and chocolate, I enjoy snacks between meals and I sometimes feel so hungry that I nibble (gobble actually, but don't let that out, 'cos I'm trying to fool myself). And I have a body that bears testimony to the fact that I like biscuits, chocolate and snacks much too much.  Now, it seems that other people can eat biscuits and not get fat.  They can eat biscuits one at a time and not wolf the whole pack.  My wonderful step mother can discipline herself to have one chocolate out of a box and the keep the rest for another day... with me the whole bar or the whole box is gone... just like that.

Writing all that.. I'm a little ashamed ... why can't I control myself? 

And so, the day before yesterday, I decided that I couldn't be trusted with biscuits in the house and having occasional snacks turned very quickly into perpetual grazing and that it really was time to do something about it all. I would stop eating between meals (except fruit), no chocolate, no biscuits. (huh, the next two days I've been involved in meetings with loads of biscuits lying around, scones with cream, cream cakes ... aaaarrghhhh whimper whimper.... didn't eat any though, so far so good)

Of course what I'm doing is against much of the advice of dietitians who would say that just a big denial of yourself is not sustainable

but that's the point of asceticism, it's about denial of things that will damage you and your walk with God.  It's about taking the hard road, not because it's the right road for everyone but because it's the road that God is calling you to walk.  I don't suppose that it will be easy.  Two days in ... and I'm not really a happy bunny, I'm not getting any spiritual high from my lack of TV and biscuits but I wonder if I'll have a different story to tell if I can keep going for a year?

...and maybe that's the ascetic walk that I need to take? Not other people, but me, because, for some strange reason that's the battle I have to fight.

Do feel free to ask me if I'm keeping going with it :-(

Comments

[jonbirch]

thanks for the honesty caroline... the biscuits, the dumb telly... oh boy i recognise those things. i try to stave off lard and gravity by religiously playing five-a-side football every friday... it works in part and is the only self-loving activity i've managed to keep going at.
i think part of it is that i enjoy it... it makes me feel well... maybe that's the key? i don't know, but i wonder whether some of the self denialists of past and present have it in their personality to kind of enjoy it.
i hope you either find a joy in this new way of trying to be, or you take up swimming or something fun. either way i wish you success... oh, and women are brilliant, all shapes and sizes! you're great! j:-)

[Caroline]

Jon, I so agree with you about enjoyment. I've managed to keep off the chocolate and biscuits and eating between meals but I am also working at making sure that my diet is a delight and enjoyable - I'm not aiming at a grey food life just a healthier food life and one that is more under my 'self control' (one of the fruits of the spirit).

As to enjoyable activities, I did find it a bit tricky in the early evenings without any telly - with an academic job, reading some more in the evenings hasn't been hugely attractive or relaxing. So, I've decided to learn Cross-stitch and later in the summer I'm going to start learning the piano!

Oh yes, I plan to enjoy things, although I do miss chocolate every now and again... :-/

[jonbirch]

they all sound like good idea's. doing music professionally i often find it hard relaxing listening to it, but playing the piano, that always works... hope you enjoy the new experiences! :-)